428am

the only time I have to write is if I wake up at 4am, and if I don't have to be at work by 9am...I love this. I am not in school yet, but I am trying. city college does not have online classes in the field I want to take, so I need to do online courses, which I have to pay for and which is really frustrating me trying to make the best decisions along with figuring out my finances. but I still  wake up at 4am anyways, even if I have not officially started school I still wake up and train my body to do what I have to do: study, and yoga. I make my bed as soon as I wake up. I make herbal tea, no coffee, no caffeine, and I stay awake. I read from four different books, including one of my favorite versions of the Bible: a Life Recovery Bible, in a New Living Translation. the Bible is not a scripted reading for me, I simply open the book to whatever page opens, and read from there. today I opened to a page entitled Reflections on Judges. I haven't read the whole page yet but I immediately wanted to share what I read in the first paragraph: "A troubled past or a low family status may seem like a good excuse for doing nothing and hiding in comfortable {although detrimental} situations. But God says that he will be with us to help us carry out whatever tasks we have been assigned. All we need to do is trust in him." even tho this is taken from the commentary it is still a powerful message to me. what excuses do I have now that I am an adult and aware of my own powers. I cant let stereotypes, superstitions, family curses, other peoples actions run my life...there is no excuse...all day every day I wish I could write here on my blog...there is always so much information going thru my head...memories, past, present, future. visions. my disease of addiction. how easy it would be to just go back. I see people on drugs all day every day. I see people suffering. we are all suffering. in my quest to figure out the best ways to deal I myself am going thru trial and error of the best ways. and the ways that ive tried before and lost have shown themselves to me again, now that I am ready. one of those lost ways is thru the power of Jesus. I never wanted to go to church again, after the way my mother brought me up. yes she was a single mother blah blah blah same story uve heard before. but nonetheless my story is different from all the rest. I will not be ashamed to say it exactly how it was and how it is. I remember in my childhood only exactly one Christmas, and one Halloween. dressing up in costume and going to school. then some people from church got to her. jehovahs witnesses. I was very young when all the worldy man-made celebrations stopped...but it wasn't till junior highschool when I really took notice and acted out about religion. my mother was a fake church person. we went to church 3 times a week, read the Bible all the time, but at home, she was really an alcoholic, a lover of men, and a child abuser. me and my brother, especially me had bruises always in the right spots: where no one could see them. there was a couple of times I called the police because of it, but I was scared and hung up...I would jump out of the second story bedroom window to run away, with no where to go but to wander the streets and get picked up by child molesting men, until I found a family that would feed me and take care of me whenever I would go. their kids were gangsters, and I thought I was one too. got jumped in to the girls. lost my full virginity. in 7th grade, but that wasn't part of the gang thing, this Mexican family was way super nice to me. I dreamt that someone would kidnap me, I wished it every day. in highschool I began questioning the Bible, I wanted to understand. my mother got married at this point, to another man who was divorced and had his kids. when wede sit around together and study the Bible my questions never got answered. it was like they never wanted me to know anything. and her husband, the only one that she actually married my whole life, was a creep. he would watch me sleep at night. he would wear a white robe and hug me all the time from behind when I was washing dishes with the bottom half of his robe open and naked. hede stair at my nipples at the dinner table. hede watch me from outside my bedroom window. my mother never did anything about it. she was jealous of me and hated me since birth. I'm the only one with green eyes. no one ever thought I was her baby, from what she told me. I dreamt of not being her child. ive dreamt of killing her so much. ive dreamt of tieing her up in chains, making her suffer, healing her back just enough to continue living, so I can hurt and make her suffer again...shes sick in the head...if anyone would see a picture of my mother u would see how sick she is mentally. oh my god there are so many stories about living and growing up with her. I never grew up. I never had a proper childhood. now as an adult I don't care about holidays, which to me is a relief and a good thing. I celebrate the changing seasons, the full and new moon, and I celebrate every day...I celebrate whatever I want. people kill themselves because of the holidays, I am free from that. I have celebrated many thanskgivings as an adult with friends, but just as a get together to eat yummy food and as parties...probably the only holiday I partake in now, and ive celebrated lots of Halloweens because its 4 days after my birthday...and my daughter of course growing up I celebrated all the things I was supposed to with her so she could not feel left out and make her own decisions as an adult, she knows all my celebrations now...growing up without when I was young turned me so off to religion and Jesus. in my 20s I did a whole lot of cocaine, while I had my own apartments and worked. I did a little ritual of my own making, I had a Bible, the same one the jehovahs witnesses use, and I hammered nails into it...I was so possessed by demons, that angry and sad kinds...I had an episode of crying...I tore the Bible up...oh yes before this episode, when I was 19 and pregnant and working at a drugstore as a cashier, this old lady from church came thru my lane...after I took her cash she told me that she was sorry, everyone knew what was going on...that was the most fucked up thing ever...people knew we were getting oppressed and beaten, and no one cared to do anything...I have been shut down by mother so much...people from church invited us to get togethers, it was amazing that my mother even went. that was the only time I hung out with other kids, I wasn't allowed to have any friends...this one girl started singing and I was like "oooh!" not because it was awesome, but because I thought she was doing something bad. everything was the devil to my mother. I couldnt listen to music, couldn't sing, couldn't have friends. but at school, at school is where I did whatever I wanted...I would ditch just to ride my bike to Coronado and just lay on the sand in highschool...amazing that I have my diploma, I was never there!...in junior high I got kicked out of schools 3 times for fighting...after school I would pick fights while I was walking with these gangsters, cuz I wanted to show how tough I was. I was in junior high and this pretty girl was walking towards me coming from the highschool, I fought her for no reason, she was just taller than me and I wanted to seem tough...this Mexican girl in junior high was named America and I didn't like that so I told her to meet me in the bathroom after school, and she did! I popped her eye open...I only got beat up twice my whole life, from my mother and from this bad ass dickies wearing Filipina, she had her hair all teased and shit lol...oh yeah there was actually more times I got beat up: once when I was in Puerto Rico when I was 13, and of course I got beat up from an abusive relationship when we were on drugs. omg this is the hardest shit ever...I purposefully hide all my memories so I don't have to thing about them and forget a lot of stuff. some things, the most recent things I think of all the time but older stuff are long gone...theres  so much to write...I don't know how I thought I could write about all the times I got in fights in just one session...religion has started wars...religion today is so out of context. religion tries to control the masses to do bad things and oppress from experiences life to the fullest potential. religion keeps secrets that should be given to all. I am not religious nor claim any particular one. but in my journey to recovery ive checked myself into a Christian home, twice, because it happened to be the only way out and was in my home town...this is where I came to really came to know Jesus...this is where I came to love Him...I was the only one really about it, I really studied in the short times I was there...and now that I'm not there I continue to study, on my own, because I want to...and I am finding what works for me. and I want to share that with other people...people do look up to me...people do confide in me...people do ask for my opinions, likes and dislikes, advices...people want my approval...they want me to teach them yoga...they want to be around my happiness...this is not my lifes story...it probably seems all over the place because its hard to put all the chaos in order, especially when ive trained myself to forget. regardless of what ive been thru, and theres still lots more to tell, I don't let it get in the way of my happiness, my connection to this planet, and my love...I heal people every day, because all of us deserve to be healed and loved...and I am healing myself at the same time...but this is my first time telling anyone these things. I grew up poor and without many many things, including emotions...so this is why all that I am is powerful...I choose to do what feels good, hence the drugs...but I know now that I can do this without drugs...I can be powerful and feel like a Goddess without chemicals...I am all natural, I am clean...I am strong
Just wanted to add that I love Jesus, the way he spoke, acted, his wisdom and love...I wish I was like him and I always thank him and all the other prophets for dying for me.